(published Feb 2011 – fortyouncebachelors – justin hill)
Mountain Dew Poop ends Teacher’s Career
by REBECCA LEE MASTERSON [Charleston High Daily staff writer]
Charleston High School suffered a devastating loss last Friday after Ms. Triplett, the school’s AP Anatomy professor, was forced to resign following a poorly written, uncultivated post to Traci Ross’ Facebook page.
The post in question was written by Ross on Wednesday, February 16, and stated: “Not that I’m complaining, and I don’t know about y’all, but being forced to look at a piece of human $#!% the size of a 2-liter bottle of Mountain Dew just before lunch sickens me, and makes me want to vomit.”
The human feces Ross’ post regarded is from a set of photos photographed by Ms. Triplett. The photographs taken of human excrement roughly 8 to 10 inches in diameter and 10 to 12 inches in length are no secret to any students who attend Ms. Triplett’s AP Anatomy class; she’s shown them every year for the last 12 years during the required Digestive System sections of her course.
The photos were taken during Ms. Triplett’s first year teaching at Charleston High, after a janitor informed her there was a clogged toilet in the downstairs ladies room. Using gloves from the Chemistry lab, Triplett retrieved the feces and preserved the excrement in a coffee tin until she could drive it to her home, where, in order to proportion its enormity, she photographed the stool beside a 2-liter Mountain Dew bottle, a football, a mason jar of salsa and a Nike high-top sneaker.
Mounting pressure for Ms. Triplett’s resignation came after Principal Parsons and Vice Principal Owens read Ross’ Facebook post and worried the photos may be offensive and make large amounts of students ill, despite having absolutely no proof Traci of any such instances occurring over Triplett’s 12-year tenure. Until your little s#!% stain of a post.
Triplett’s resignation could not come at a worse time, as the college application season is blossoming, and Johns Hopkins University has announced no incoming freshman will be accepted into their Biology program without completing their first year’s collegiate Anatomy courses during high school. Students failing to complete those courses will have to reapply their sophomore year, leaving one student with the sickening feeling of relying on her 2nd, or fucking 3rd college choice if our school is unable to find a replacement for Ms. Triplett.
Many of Triplett’s students have older siblings who have confirmed seeing the same photographs when they took Triplett’s course, but did they bitch and moan?! No they did not Traci, and they went to colleges like Duke and Penn. Fucking Duke Traci!! A great example of how NOT to write for college admission essays would be writing something ‘makes you want to vomit‘ and also ‘sickens you‘ in the same sentence, as it is redundant. Plus, ‘Not that I’m complaining‘?! Complaining is exactly what it seems like you’re doing! So what it’s a photoshoot of a piece of shit the size of a soda bottle? The only over-sized piece of shit in this situation is Traci Ross, whose dispassion for higher education and inability to shut her legs shouldn’t be forgotten when anyone receives rejection letters this spring. Traci Ross should concern herself less with photographs that ‘make her want to vomit‘, and more with morning sickness and the rising levels of (hCG) hormones in her body, which should peak near the beginning of her second trimester. I hope MTV foolishly chooses Traci Ross for their next season of 16 and Pregnant, and that she can’t do it because she’s too busy studying for her GED exams!!
At the time of this newspaper’s post, Principal Parsons had posted nothing regarding the situation and has only updated his Facebook page once since the incident, while Vice Principal Owens has since tweeted: “a replacement professor for Ms. Triplett will not likely be found until next Fall.” God damn it Traci. God fucking damn it!!
The Harbour County 